The Long Voyage

The Adventures of BJ and Tony Morris

Planning for the LONG voyage

This is one voyage that everyone will eventually go on. One that is difficult to plan for because you can’t know your departure time, but hopefully you know your destination. Even though, “you can’t take it with you”, it is still a good idea to “pack” for this trip. My mother recently left on her voyage. Before she became ill, she helped a great deal to make sure that her “Travel Agents” had what they needed to help plan her “trip”. These tips are intended to help you get your parents ready for their voyage, but are good things to think about for yourself as well.

Things to do while your parent(s) can help with the trip planning:

Get a durable power of attorney for Health Care and Finances. You may have to explain that this is revocable, if necessary, but will help you help them handle the details. You can find these online, at a business supply store, or from an attorney. Get them signed and notarized. Put them where you can find them.
Discuss how they want to start the trip, if it becomes necessary. Discuss their wishes for, things like, being kept alive in a vegetative state. Have them complete a living will if they have not already done so. Put this where you can find it.
If their estate is substantial and might require payment of estate taxes, consult an attorney and a CPA about strategies to avoid this.
Make sure they have a will and make sure you know who the executor is. It is better to have an odd number of executors so there will be a tie-breaker.
Find out what life insurance policies and death benefits are in place and get account information and contact numbers.
If they have a safety deposit box, make sure that you know where it is, have a key to the box and that your name is on the signature card.
If possible, get online access to be able to monitor their accounts, even if they don’t plan to use online access.
Gradually take control of some of their finances so that they will feel confident later that you can handle their affairs.
Keep a record of where all of their assets are held.
Analyze their portfolio yourself, or have a professional do it. Although no one knows exactly when they’ll begin their voyage, long term investments may no longer be appropriate. When it can be done without penalty, begin moving some funds into shorter term instruments.
Think about things that you want to do one more time before your parents start their trip. I decided I wanted them to see the old 8mm home movies one more time so I took the movies to www.catevideo.com to have them transferred to a DVD. (I didn't start this process soon enough for my mom to see them before she left, but we watched them after her funeral and it brought back very good memories of her).

Things to do when parent(s) can no longer help with trip planning:

Assume control of their finances. Even if it appears they are capable, elderly people are very vulnerable and can easily fall prey to unscrupulous”travel agents”.
Change their mailing address to yours for all financial matters.
Get a folder to keep Powers of Attorney and other important papers in. Keep it in your car, so you will have it anytime you have to do business on their behalf.
Get to know someone who is a Notary Public, you will need their help. This is one the MOST important things I did during the last year of my mother’s life. Several banks required a specific power of attorney for their bank and would not honor the durable power of attorney I had. ”My” notary saved me a lot of hassles.
Move more of their assets to short term investments. My parents had a lot of CDs that I converted into money-market accounts.

On the way to the docks:

Find a doctor in a small group that will return your phone calls and work your parent(s) in when they need to be seen. When your parents are in their eighties and beyond, you are not going to “cure” them, you just need to keep them comfortable. Of course, you WANT the best doctors – but you NEED compassionate doctors who are AVAILABLE. I moved my parents from a big group of doctors who never returned my calls to a small group who were very responsive.
GO with your parents to the doctor. They cannot always hear or may not always remember what the doctor has said. If you cannot go, request that the doctor call you after the appointment.
Keep a spreadsheet with information about their medical care. Mine has a main page with their medication schedule at the top, their doctors and appointments next, and then their discontinued medications at the bottom. I keep this on my PDA so that the information, like the folder of Powers of Attorney, will be with me at all times.
Find caregivers that you can trust. Call the social services department at the local hospital and ask for a list of caregivers. Going through an agency is more dependable, but is also more expensive. We found an individual that became like part of the family. It is good to enlist the services of a caregiver BEFORE you need them so you will have someone to call on in an emergency.
Take care of yourself. Caring for an elderly parent is physically and emotionally draining. Call on caregivers, friends and relatives to give you a break. Many times people want to help, but don’t know what is needed. If you are sharing care responsibilities with a sibling, agree on a schedule, but be flexible. Keep a calendar and be cognizant of each other’s outside commitments.
DON’T make enemies of your family. It is very easy to get angry when family members don’t agree about the care of a loved one. Talk to each other – find a compromise.
Visit Independent and Assisted Living Facilities. The staff is happy for you to bring your parents to lunch and tour the facilities. Even if they are not ready to move, it is good for them to see what is available in case you have to make a quick move later. Some facilities have a waiting list. You might want to consider getting on the waiting list whether you think they need to or not. When they reach the top of the list, you can always decline and move down the list.

On the gangway the Ship:

Get a Funeral Folder and keep everything in it so you will be ready when it happens. Put a checkbook in the folder to be used to pay the bills.

Understand their wishes for their funeral. I was fortunate in that my parents made their wishes known to me and I did not have to bring this up. It is not a pleasant subject, but it needs to be discussed.

What will they wear?
Where will the service be?
Who will speak?
Who will the pall bearers be?
What music would they like?

Decide who will be involved in assisting you with the funeral planning.
Shop for a casket or urn. Funeral homes often mark their caskets up 400%!! You may find the same casket elsewhere for 1/4^th the cost. We have used “Best Buy Caskets” (near Westview Cemetery in Atlanta) twice and have been very pleased. Best Buy also sells headstones and markers at a considerable savings over the cemetery or funeral home. The vault can also be purchased at a discount, but might be best purchased from the funeral home or cemetery since the cost includes the tent, chairs and set up; you won’t know if you haven’t asked before hand. This is not a decision you want to make while “running to the gate”.
Decide what funeral home you will use. Go ahead and meet with the funeral home to understand the costs involved. You may wish to make “pre-need” arrangements. You are in a much better position and funeral homes are much more willing to discuss a discounted price when you meet with them “before”. This is a business. Treat it as such. It is much easier to do when you are not emotional. If you wait, you may make costly and unwise decisions. Sample costs for “at-need”:

Funeral Director/Staff Services: $1410.00
Embalming: $900.00
Other Preparations:

Dressing, casketing and/or cosmetizing: $100.00
Special care for autopsied or Organ Donors: $295.00
Hair Dresser: $45.00
Bathing and Handling for non-embalmed: $200.00
Sheltering of Remains: $75.00/day
Refrigeration of Remains: $125.00/day

Use of Facilities and Staff:

Visitation: $600.00 (1 day), $750.00 (extra day)
Chapel Service: $700.00
Staff Services for Service in Other Facility: $700.00
Memorial Service in Chapel: $500.00
Graveside Service: $350.00
Staff Services for Memorial Service in Other Facility: $350.00

Automotive Equipment

Transfer remains to Funeral Home (100 miles): $375.00
Transfer to/from Airport: $295.00
Use of Hearse (50 miles): $295.00
Use of Flower Van (50 miles): $140.00
Family Car or Lead Car (50 miles): $40.00

Merchandise

Video Memorial Picture Disc: $125.00
Memorial Book Package: $90.00-$175.00
Additional Acknowledgement Cards (25): $7.50
Certified Copies of Death Certificate: 1^st $10.00, add’l: $5.00

Write the Obituary. If your parents don’t write their own, ask them questions about their life and write it yourself. Have it ready so that you only have to add the last minute details. Keep this in the funeral folder.
Write down any thoughts about the person to share with the pastor or speaker.
Select 40-50 photographs to be scanned if a memory video is desired. Ray Bernal (404) 401-4570 reycito@bellsouth.net made a beautiful video for my mother’s funeral. Be sure to ask if the funeral home has a screen and DVD player with sound.
If an autopsy is desired, call a local pathologist to find out what is required to make it happen. Discuss this with the funeral home director.
If necessary, shop around for Hospice services. They are NOT all alike. Ask others what agency they used and whether they were pleased.
Make a list of contacts to notify when the death occurs; most importantly, get current telephone numbers. Keep this in your PDA or in the funeral folder.
Decide whose home will be used as “home base” for the family. People will be bringing food, so you need to have a plan. Appoint someone who is not involved in the funeral planning to be the host, accepting and serving food. Get a book to keep up with who brings food.

When the Ship Sails:

Get your Funeral Folder! Keep it in your hands along with a pen to make notes.
Notify the Funeral Home. They will make arrangements to transport the body.

If an autopsy is desired, remind them.

Meet with those involved and decide on tentative dates and times for the visitation and funeral.
Arrange a time to meet with the funeral home.
Arrange a time to meet with the cemetery.
Arrange a time to meet with the florist.
Arrange a time to meet with the pastor/speaker (can be done on the phone)
Arrange a time to meet with the organist/musician (can be done on the phone)
Make a schedule. Give it to someone who will be with you and have them help you stay on track with what needs to be done. Make sure the host at “home base” knows what time the family will gather for meals. Sample schedule:

Day of Death:

11:00AM – Meet with Funeral Home.

Bring obituary, clothing (including underwear and shoes), jewelry and other items including teeth and glasses.
Tell the funeral home whether you want the jewelry back
Tell the funeral home what newspapers for the obituary.
Bring the checkbook. This can cost anywhere from $5000-$10000.

12:30 PM – Meet with Florist to select flowers.

Bring the checkbook. A “blanket” of flowers for the top of the casket will be around $500. Wreaths start at around $75.

1:00PM – Lunch with family
2:00PM – Meet with Cemetery to arrange opening and closing of grave. You’ll need the checkbook. This cost us around $800.

Day of Visitation:

1:00PM – Immediate family meet at Funeral Home to view body.

Bring framed photographs to sit out.
Make sure video equipment is operational.

3:00PM – Late Lunch with family
4:30PM – Meet at Funeral Home for Visitation
5:00PM – Visitation

Day of Funeral:

1:00PM – All family members meet at Funeral Home

Put photographs and personal items from visitation in the car.
Decide what order family will enter church

Spouse
Children
Grandchildren
Siblings of Deceased and their families
Other relatives

Final viewing
Prayer

1:45PM – Proceed to Church
2:00PM – Funeral

Gathering Music
Duet
Scripture and Prayer
Sermon
Remembrances
Solo
Closing Prayer
Recessional Solo

3:00PM – Interment

Brief remarks/Scripture
Prayer

4:00PM – Afternoon meal with family
6:00PM – Back to cemetery to view grave/flowers
7:00PM – Divide live plants

As the ship sails over the horizon:

Take a day or two off to rest.
Make a spreadsheet with the names and addresses of all of the flower, food and monetary donations.
Make a column for Thank You note assignments. Divide the Thank You notes so that each person writes those that they are closest to.

Make a list of who called or sent cards – an email or phone call Thank You should be sufficient.
Make a list of who was involved in the funeral and prepare Thank You notes and gifts as appropriate. Some suggestions:

Preacher – Thank You Card and cash or check. We gave $100.00
Organist – Thank You Card and cash, check or gift card. We gave $50.00
Soloist – Thank You Card and cash, check or gift card. We gave $50.00

If a caregiver was used extensively, a monetary gift may be appropriate. We gave $500.00

For the Cruise Director:

Notify the employer.
Unless there is no way to pay the bills there is no rush.
Many of the duties of the Cruise Director are outlined on the probate website. Here is a link to the one for Georgia: http://www.gaprobate.org/reps_duties.php#duties
Obtain the original copy of the latest will.
Make an appointment with the attorney who prepared the will.
Gather information about assets, deeds, etc. Information about Real-Estate can be found at the Clerk of Court's office.
Determine the value of the estate. If it is valued at more than the estate tax exemption an estate tax return must be filed. This has to be done within 9 months.
It may be necessary to get an appraisal of any real-estate.
Probate the will (depending upon the situation, you may or may not wish to probate the will. An attorney can advise you. You can choose to have the attorney handle this or you can do it yourself.)

Find the appropriate form(s). In Georgia, these can be found at http://www.gaprobate.org/
Because of the type of will my mother had prepared, I was able to use the "Petition to Probate Will in Solemn Form"
Complete the form.
Each of the heirs sign the form and their signatures should be notarized.
Take the form and the original will to the Probate Court in the county where the "traveler" lived.
If the will is self-proving (witnessed and notarized) no further proof will be needed. Otherwise interrogatories are required.
The probate judge will review the form and will and swear the Executor in.
The court will issue "Letters Testamentary" (at a cost of $5.00/copy)
Publish an ad in the local newspaper as a notice to creditors (the probate court can give you the format)

The ad should run once/week for four weeks
Creditors have 3 months to respond

If the will does not relieve the executor, an inventory and annual returns must be filed with the probate court. (The probate court can give you the forms.)
After 6 months, a discharge petition can be filed, then another ad should be run in the newspaper and then the estate can be closed.