I didn’t want to face it alone so I talked my husband Tony into going with me.  We went after a few glasses of wine with some friends.  I thought that might make the experience less painful, but it didn’t.   

First we went to Marshall’s.  We found the swimsuits in the sportswear section, although what I do in a swimsuit would never be considered a sport.  When wearing a swimsuit, I quickly try to find the nearest body of water and immerse myself waist-deep in water that is hopefully murky enough to hide some of my – ahem – figure flaws.   

Tony found the old lady section, “These are more matronly.”  Thanks, just the description I was NOT looking for.  Next came the “What size do you wear?” question.  If I took the information I have learned from “The Biggest Loser” show, then I would need a size 3.  I am always amazed at how these 5 foot tall 300 pound women lose 150 pounds to get down to roughly what I weigh and then go on and on about how they went from a size 24 to a size 3.  I’m 5’7” tall and I haven’t worn a size 3 since I was in first grade.  I decided that I must be a 12 since that is the size I was the last time I bought a bathing suit.  Just in case, though, I picked out a few size 14s.  Tony selected a few for me to try as well.  

Then it was off to the dressing room.  I am never sure what the protocol is for trying on bathing suits.  I think you are supposed to wear underwear, but I am not sure what the little piece of tape in the crotch is supposed to protect.  Are other people trying these on without underwear?  What kind of germs are on that little piece of tape?  I am a little grossed out by these thoughts.  I strip down to my underwear and as soon as I do, I suddenly need to use the bathroom.  “Think about something else,” I tell myself.  So I put on the first bathing suit.  My white cotton underwear sticking out from the bottoms makes it hard to tell how it really looks on me.  It is a tankini (is this in reference to a Sherman Tank?), so I put on the top which covers most of the white cotton and parade out to the mirror where Tony is waiting.

He tried to make the thought “that looks hideous” sound as complimentary as he could, but the mirror was not so kind.  I went back to the dressing room to try on the next one.  As soon as I got down to just my panties, the urge to pee came back so strong that I could barely get my clothes back on in time to make it to the bathroom.  The few glasses of wine I had drank made it even more difficult to keep my balance while I tried to pull on my pants & tie my shoes.  I hastily grabbed all of the swimsuits and threw them at the clerk as I ran off in search of the bathroom, leaving a bewildered Tony sitting next to the mirror.  

When I got back to the dressing room, Tony had somehow convinced the clerk whose native language was not English to hold the swimsuits until I got back, but I decided I had the picture of what these would look like and decided to go next door to TJ Maxx.  

There were more matronly suits to choose from at TJ Maxx.  Some advertised something about longitude with latitude control.  Now that’s a reference you like to read on a swimsuit tag.  Who thought up this advertizing campaign?  Here’s what it brought to my mind.  “Are you the size of the earth?  Are you shaped like a globe?  Try our new longitude with latitude control swimsuit.”  

We picked out about a dozen swimsuits in a variety of sizes ranging from 12 to 14 and headed to the dressing room.  I was only allowed to take 4 at a time to the dressing room.  The dressing room closest to the door was labeled “Family Dressing Room”.  After having seen myself in the suit at Marshall’s, I felt like I was the size of a family so I took that dressing room.  The first few tankini’s convinced me (and the ever-tactful Tony) that I should be looking for something with a skirt that would cover more of my thighs.  

I finally found two dress-like swimsuits that were acceptable and we headed for the cash register.  When the clerk dragged them across the counter, the inventory control tag set off an alarm.  I decided that must be the huge swimsuit alarm.  “Attention customers, the lady at register 7 is purchasing two huge swimsuits!”  When we got to the parking lot, the car alarm on the car next to ours went off too, signaling my huge swimsuit purchase.  

I’m really looking forward to showing off my new suits in Florida next week!  Hope the water is murky enough!  Or better yet, maybe the weather will be bad enough that we never have to leave the room!  

Lavatory Occupied
July 12, 2006

Our friend told us that on a recent trip, her flight was late taking off.  The cabin was waiting for an announcement from the pilot to explain the delay.  The familiar crackle of the audio system signaled the awaited announcement.  The pilot whispered conspiratorially, "If whoever is in the lavatory will come out, we can take off."  The passengers laughed, but no one came out of the lavatory.  Our friend was seated near the lavatory, so she heard the flight attendant communicating with what turned out to be a small child in the lav.   She heard the flight attendant say, "I'm right outside the door." and then the father who was seated in front of my friend started toward the back of the plane.   The flight attendant told the father, "He says he is making some progress."  He finally came out and they were able to take off. 

The Smelly Section
December 30, 2004

We had had a particularly unfortunate string of luck at the casino boat in St. Louis, so we decided to catch the last flight home rather than spend the night.  The flight had shown plenty of seats earlier in the day, so we were confident we would get on.  When we arrived at the gate, we were disheartened to see the crowd of people.  It seems that another airline had cancelled and decided to send their passengers over to our flight.  At departure time, the gate agent finally assigned us some seats, but there was a long line in the jetway and we were still not confident that there would be a place for us to sit.  Then suddenly a couple came hurrying back up the jetway holding their noses and saying that someone had thrown up in the back of the plane.  We all looked at our seat assignments.  Two of our party (me included) were in the front section and two were in the back of the plane.  Those of us in the front found this extremely humorous.  The crew had tried to clean up as best they could, but it was a very small plane and the smell just wouldn't go away.  One of our back row friends ordered a beer on the flight and when she tried to pay, the flight attendant responded, "Oh no, Honey you are in the Smelly Section, that beer is complimentary."  

The Wrong Plane
February 1, 2000

One of our friends related a story in which she boarded a plane which she thought would take her from Washington, DC to Atlanta.   She was very happy to be seated in first class.  Just after she was seated, the plane started to push back from the gate.  She turned to the passenger next to her and commented about the early push-back.  The other passenger argued that it was an on-time departure.  Our friend whipped out her flight schedule and showed her fellow passenger the departure time.  Her seatmate responded, "That flight goes to Atlanta.  THIS flight is going to Boston."  Our friend, being a nonrevenue passenger prefered not to make a scene and quickly decided she would just go to Boston and get a flight home from there.  The seatmate had other ideas.  She rang the flight attendant call button and related the problem to the flight attendant.   The flight attendant notified the pilot who radioed the gate.  They finally decided to drop the back stairs of the plane and let my friend get off.  Red-faced, she walked the length of the plane and down the back steps where a car was waiting to take her to the Atlanta plane.  She boarded the Atlanta plane via the same route, up the back steps and down the entire length of the plane to her first class seat.  BJ laughed so hard at this story that she got her just reward when she boarded the wrong flight in Kansas City.  She realized it though when she got to the back of the plane, row 26 and her boarding card said row 44.  The crew made the same realization at about the same time and started paging her to come to the front of the plane.  Like a fish swimming upstream, she made her way past all of the boarding customers and got on the right flight.